DIETING DOESN'T WORK.


That is all.


But seriously, it doesn't.


Yeah, I've been away.  Busy "dieting."  Whatever.  
More to the point, "going through the motions" of dieting.
On February 4th of this year I weighed 158.0 pounds.
Today is July 24th, 2013.  I weighed 153.8 pounds this morning.
Which means I've lost a whopping 4.2 pounds in 170 days.

 OH.  MY.  GOD.

Technically, anyone on this planet is supposed to be able to lose one or two pounds per week if they eat a healthy diet, exercise, and consume less calories than they burn.  So I guess the proof is in the pudding here.  (YUM, pudding.......!)  If I had been religiously eating a healthy diet and exercising as much as possible, resulting in two pounds lost per week, I should weigh roughly 105 pounds after 170 days. 

 Clearly, I am slacking.

I have also been slacking with my blog posts here.  The reasons for that are many and varied, but the biggest reason always ends up being a lack of free time to just sit down and write.
I love writing on this blog, and when I've done it in the past, it has always helped me in the motivation department, even though very few people read this besides me.  I almost always finished my post and then went on to have a really good, productive week.  I was trying to write at least once a week before, and in a perfect world, I'd still be doing that.  But life isn't perfect right now.  Quite the opposite, actually, but I'm not here to dwell on the things that drag me down.

 I'd rather try to somehow pull myself up.  I need to figure it out.  I need to find a way.  I have some great support in the form of family members and friends who try to motivate me to stay on-track with my attempts to eat healthy and get in shape.  I am insanely grateful to them (you know who you are) and I hope they never give up on me, just because my scale hasn't shown much in terms of success.  I still need the support.  I desperately need the encouragement.  I am at serious risk right now of just saying FUCK IT and just throwing in the "healthy lifestyle" towel.  I'm worried that I may be slipping so far down into my current depressive state that I won't be able to turn it around.  I'm supposed to want to do this for ME.  For my health, for my happiness, so I can just be healthier and happier and a better person in general on the inside and the outside, and in turn that will help me be the best possible Mom to my kids.

 That sounds AWESOME!  So WHY is it so hard to DO???

I need a goal.  Something concrete to work for.  I was thinking yesterday that my impending 45th birthday could serve as a decent day to shoot for to reach my goal weight.  It is 55 days away.  Can I lose 28.8 pounds in 55 days???  That's a little under 8 weeks away.  I would have to lose about 3.7 pounds PER WEEK until September 17th.  My goal weight is 125.0 pounds.

 Can I do that???

I have to try.  Because NOT trying isn't an option.  At least not yet.  I have not thrown in the towel yet.  Quitting isn't something I've done very often in my life.  I don't like to fail.  In fact, I hate it.

I suppose that's the real reason I'm so depressed (and as a result, constantly sabotaging myself by bingeing...).  I'm sick of FAILING in my attempts to stick to a healthier diet and over-all healthier lifestyle.  I have random times available to exercise, but I make constant excuses and skip workouts instead of just getting off my ass.  I pig out at midnight even on the days I felt awesome because I made it through a Zumba workout.  I sabotage all the good I do manage to achieve, with crap-food calorie-fests and undeniable laziness.

Why???

WHY can't I do this???????