So, the past week sucked.
I'm up a pound from last Monday. Now 165.5. I feel disgusting, I look bloated, and I'm even hungrier than I was last week at this time.
So, "they" say that nobody who starts a diet will stick to it or lose any weight on it until they've hit that "magic rock-bottom" place in their own soul... The one that is telling them that they can't handle being fat anymore. I understand that, I do. But I've felt that way for 2 1/2 years now, and I'm still fat. I now have 40 1/2 pounds to lose in order to fit into my old pre-pregnancy clothes, and I WILL NOT buy a fat wardrobe.
I've been thinking a lot about all of this. Everything I'm doing, everything I've tried so far. It's obvious that what I'm doing isn't working for me. It's vastly different this time around, absolutely. I lost the same amount of weight 12 years ago, and all I did back then was drink a little Slim Fast, cut out junk food, and I did NOT exercise... not a single step! I lost 40 pounds in less than 6 months, and it stayed off for 12 years. (Give or take 5 pounds up and down over those years.)
I have to get real with myself now. I'm not a teenager anymore (though I often feel like one...) I'm not even 30 anymore. I NEED to exercise to lose weight. It's a simple fact. Another simple fact is that I HATE TO EXERCISE. What am I supposed to do? Just exercise anyway, and just hate every single second of it??? What do other people do in this situation? I'm assuming that I'm not the only fat American on this earth who hates to exercise.
I am having the hardest time controlling my hunger. I'm always hungry. 24-7, 100% of the time. From the minute I open my eyes in the morning to the minute I fall into bed at night, I'm hungry. I spend every waking moment thinking about food, planning my next bite, my next snack, my next meal, my next beverage. I calculate and tabulate my caloric intake continuously, every hour, of every day. I feel like food completely controls my life!!! I hate it. I HATE THIS.
I need to stop obsessing about food every minute before I drive myself crazy. I want to lose my 40+ pounds, more than anything. But I feel like the whole idea of "being on a diet" has taken over my life and my brain. I don't go an hour without thinking about eating and food, and I'm always either stressing out with worry over how I might fail my diet next, or with guilt over how I just failed it! I need it to stop. I need to stop thinking about food or I'm going to go NUTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
So. What to do then?
I try to remember a time when I didn't obsess. It was so long ago, I can't remember what that felt like. I do know that the lack of stress about food had to mean a simpler, more peaceful existence. I can't imagine it, seriously! I believe it's about getting "back to basics." The simple "Four Rules of Dieting" should be guidelines that EVERYONE follows. They're logical, simple to understand, impossible to misinterpret. They are:
1. Eat ONLY when hungry.
2. Eat consciously. (Savor every bite, don't eat while doing other activities or when distracted, etc.)
3. Eat whatever you want.
4. STOP eating when satisfied.
Can I do this? I think I can. I did pretty well today, following these rules. I drank a cup of tea, ate a frozen meal of rice and veggies, drank a can of diet pop, ate more rice and veggies in the late afternoon. Then, around 4:30 p.m., I crashed and burned. Inhaled 3/4 of a box of I'm Not Even Going to Tell You What. Washed it down with a Coke Classic. (Why cheat on the diet if you're not going to make it EPIC, I always say.)
So, anyway. Diets are all about cheating and all about forgiving yourself for cheating anyway. I've already forgiven myself for the 12 minutes it took me to inhale those six Pop Tarts for dinner. (DAMN; I wasn't going to reveal that.) Yeah. So I'm going to move on. Do as well as possible the rest of my evening, not pig out anymore today, and start over again tomorrow. Every day is a new day - another chance to Do It Right.