Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why Being 42 Sucks the Root

Seriously, I need to stop comparing myself to 42-year-old celebrities, you know?  Does anyone else do this besides me?  Because I see a picture of Halle Berry in a magazine, who is also 42, and I can't help but think, "How did she lose all that pregnancy weight?!  She was HUGE!!!"

And I know, I KNOW - celebrities all have trainers who do all the groundwork for them, and force them to exercise, and plan every bite they eat as well as cook for them (and probably do their dishes, too...) and ride them every minute of the day until they're back in shape.  I know that their careers depend on this, so I understand the necessity.  It's their livelihood, or whatever.  

But still - HOW?!  You read a quote from a post-baby celebrity who has lost 60 pounds, 4 months after giving birth, and it goes something like this:  "ALL I did every day was eat 1/4 cup of plain Greek yogurt for breakfast, 7 almonds for a mid-morning snack, some spinach leaves with lemon juice for lunch, a teaspoon of peanut butter for a mid-afternoon snack, and 4 bites of steamed chicken with a stalk of celery for dinner!  Oh, and I did 2 hours of yogalates, 2 hours of kickboxing, and 200 sit-ups daily."

Whatever.  Even with a trainer, I believe those tales about as much as I believe _______.

So Halle goes from this:

At only 8 months pregnant!
To this:

This scares me.
Bizarre.  Where is her saggy, stretched-out stomach and her ravaged, breast-feeding boobs?  Where are her stretch marks?  Where is her double chin?  Where are her chicken arms?  WHERE ARE HER CANKLES???

Ah, c'est la vie.  Below are a couple more gratuitous pictures of 42-year-old celebrities, just because I figure if THEY can look this good...  Why can't I?  I can be my own trainer.  I can count my own almonds, and scoop peanut butter out of a jar.  I can even chop celery without assistance!  I have all the tools.  I have read piles of diet books.  I have the Carb-Addict's Diet book memorized.  I am familiar with literally ALL of the others out there.  In addition:

I know that white flour is The Devil, as well as any food item that contains it.  It is impossible to lose weight while eating white, processed flour.  Sadly, this includes bread and bagels (with the exception of sprouted-wheat-brick bread or Ezekiel bread or whole-grain rye...), ALL white pasta, most crackers, pretzels, most cereals, anything sweeter than a piece of fruit... etc. etc. etc.  I know that eating even a tiny amount of white-flour carbs keeps me fat, as well as ravenously hungry all the time.

I know that white rice turns into a revolting glob of squishy, gelatinous goo when I leave it in a pan for two days... just as it does inside my thighs.

I know that the difference between a size 13 pair of jeans and a size 3 pair of jeans is about 37 pounds - at least on me.

I know that eating nothing but beef jerky as a protein source makes me blow up like a pufferfish in 48 hours or less.

I know that the days between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day are not "Diet-Free Days."  Not anymore, anyway.

I know that a big bowl of white, air-popped popcorn, drizzled with half a stick of real butter and generously salted, will always be my Ultimate Favorite Food.  I ALSO  know it's not on my "Lose 37 Pounds Diet."  Nutz.

I know that, as much as I would love to, because I know how bad they are for me, I will never be able to completely give up Coca Cola Classic or Dr. Pepper or creme soda.

I know that just because my bag of Twizzlers says, "A Fat-Free Food!," it does NOT mean that Twizzlers are DIET FOOD.

I know that it takes exactly 2 years and 7 months to eliminate a life-long craving for real butter and replace it with a tolerance for "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray."

I know that artificial sweetener will kill me eventually, and must be avoided completely.

I know that all those pounds you lose on The Cabbage Soup Diet are temporary.

I know that it's easy to eat less than 1200 calories each day, if I can somehow just make it to noon without eating anything.

I know that eating a good breakfast - such as steel-cut oats or a fresh-fruit smoothie - is much healthier for me.

I know that sometimes, it's much easier to just let Ms. Michelina or Mr. Lean Cuisine do my calorie-counting for me.

I know that if it's a dip, dressing, condiment, sauce, or cream of any kind, it needs to not be within my reach.  Each one equals FAT.

I know that at 42, I cannot lose ANY weight without incorporating exercise into my life - somehow.

I know that inhaling an entire box of Good and Plenty in the first 15 minutes of watching a movie is shameful.

I know that if I don't lose this 37 pounds now, there is a very real chance that I never will.

And finally, I know that for me, the ONLY thing that works is if I count EVERY single calorie that I put in my mouth.  If I don't hold myself accountable to this extreme, I cheat.  It's extremely easy to to eat 2000 calories-worth of random bites of whatever.

So.  On with the show.

Famke Janssen.  LOVE her.

And sorry, but I have to do it, because he's 42:

Bond.  James Bond.  RAWR.

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